How old are you?. "I dont need to outrun the bear", the first guy says. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second? Why cant male ants sink? After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes! Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. Because they have a lot of spirit! All it was doing was collecting dust. 182. 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Why waste perfectly good fuel on a tyrant? ", I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. Theres nothing worth crapping on. He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. 166. 129. Wheeeee! Because it was soda pressing. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. Manage Settings My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher. I will never forget some of these, and you better believe my friends are hearing them. Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Cheerios! Despresso. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late. Subscribe to the Laugh Factory's channel here: http://youtube.com/subscriptio. I went to this haunted house for exploration. If athletes get athletes foot, what do elves get? He was looking a little green. I can do it with my eyes closed. 296. It's a knight light. I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. Why should you never trust stairs? 246. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Where do you learn to make banana splits? What is an astronauts favorite key on a keyboard? Why did the school kids eat their homework? My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. The Lock Up. The police said some heels started it. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. 84. I can do it with my eyes closed. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. At sundae school. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 300 Funny Jokes Have a good laugh over these clean jokes you can tell your friends and kids without getting in trouble! Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? What did one plate say to the other? A shell-ebrity! We love laffy taffy jokes! 86. 248. Vel-crows. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? "Don't you mean big pause? Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. One dragon goes, "Ooh, it's a bit hot in here." The other responds, "Well close your mouth then." 37. Even when you know the punchline is totally going to make you groan, a clever gag is always worth hearing. A pork chop. The space bar. Corny (OK, bad) one-liners. Why were the teachers eyes crossed? They suspected foul play. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. Catch up! 25. 146. 114. 68. 98. They always get a flush 23. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, 30 Y.O. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. A palm tree. "Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. A year later, theres another knock at the door. It needed a root canal. They only have one tail. 272. 286. 64. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. 122. Watching a fish bowl. 149. Two redneck farmers are leaning over a farm gate when gorgeous girl pulls up in her Mercedes. The Muslim man is driving through a rural town in Alabama when is was pulled over by a redneck police officer. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Why did Adele cross the road? What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? It was in tents. The Mane House. He got fired. What part of the car is the laziest? 293. Whats an avocados favorite kind of music? I sold my vacuum the other day. In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. Because he was outstanding in his field. Put a little boogie in it. ", My boss was honest with me today. 1forrest1. Why cant you trust an atom? What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? 16. What did the tie say to the hat? Good friends don't let you do stupid things alone. 102. Really? These funny Monday jokes will help you make it through the week. Why couldnt the pony sing? Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? Im a virgin.. "Me: "Ship her home. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". The first rule of the Alzheimers club is Wait, where are we again? He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. "The vendor replies, "Change comes from within.". "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?" One redneck looks to the other and says: Man, I sure wish I could do that. The other redneck says: Maybe if you pet him first.. Live stream. What's stranger than seeing a catfish? A pouch potato. 236. Their bats flew away. The Big MacKerel! It was beat. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!, the officer said.I did, the man replied. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. A pork chop. ", Two young salmon are swimming along one day. How did the pig get to the hogspital? A Maybe. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". How's the water?". A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. 198. There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? What did one pen say to the other? Because it saw the salad dressing, of course. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. Print them off for free! A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. He knew a shortcut. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? How can you tell its a dogwood tree? Its two gross. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor.. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. A terminal illness. 175. Never mindits tearable. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. You're the father of quadruplets! Ten-tickles. The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay? The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Why was the math book sad? You don't have to be crazy to be my friend. 15. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. 216. Because they have one eye! 221. ", This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. What is the center of gravity? What did the right eye say to the left eye? 191. They always hog the road. asked the operator.He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. What's a cat's favorite dessert? Why did the melon jump into the lake? Here, I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker? Jim said. All of the fans left. Unbelievable. A tomato in an elevator. You go on ahead. It just didnt work out! Diddly-squats. What do you call sad coffee? What lights up a soccer stadium? Whats a pirates favorite county? You spend so much time on the course. 273. He looks at his mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a . Throw him in the mainstream. We would love to have another good laugh. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. 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While they were playing in their fort, one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousins finger. Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him!". Book-worms! What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? Why do bees have sticky hair? Wait a minute, the boy said. Did you hear the one about the roof? What is the tallest building in the entire world? There was nothing left but de Brie. By the bark. "No", says the neighbour. In the piano! As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? he shouted. The past, present and future . He takes careful aim. She has lost all her matches!". The second guy says, "What are you doing? As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. 281. A clock roach. "The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one", A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. 90. A starfish! Sep-timber! And the genie sends him back home.Im lonely, says the third friend. Redneck cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast. ", 400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? 40. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. These (clean) knock-knock jokes, puns, one-liners and gags will get them laughing. 142. Where do elephants store their clothes? Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. It was below sea level. Just take your pick! What kind of bug can tell time? The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole! You could probably get a good price for your clubs. Because then it would be a foot. Funny For Dreadlocks Adjectives List of funny for dreadlocks adjectives to help modify your slogan. The first redneck says, My wifes so damn stupid the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we dont even have a bike.. How do celebrities stay cool? Why dont Calculus majors throw house parties? 133. 39. Apparently, the snowmen want more sugar than corn flakes can provide. What doesnt get any wetter no matter how much it rains? Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!".