My parents are divorced. Councellors appear unable to help Do they really tell the truth the then. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? I kept doing it over and over again until he finally realize, his yelling at me was over. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! He has been a major womanizer and into porno all my married life. Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. To find out that who you thought was your partner actually had no interest or ability to play that role. The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have "won" the break-up. And this already had effects. I guess he was held accountable for his choices and the natural consequences for his behavoir was the loss of his family. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. He goes to the himalayas next month on sabbatical for two months and I am praying to God he realizes how much he has hurt me and how much I truly love him and decides to change on his own. These type of conversations are usually safer in a public place like a park or restaurant, and you need to make sure you are not bluffing! In hopes that others may see and be able to decide what is best for them. Oh yes! As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. I am over him but we have 3 kids and he has created a life of hell for all of us. His entire lifes circumstance from living with his mother in the islands to now living with his father in NZ is everyone elses fault due to their crazy/controlling/manipulative behaviour and his unlucky breaks due to.insert martyr action of his here. I work on myself to cope with that . This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. I dont know how to sort out our finances and I cant see where our money is going and so I have opened a separate bank account and hired an accountant to come in and see if they can sort out the mess., I am worried about you, but I dont know how to help you (with your porn addiction) and I am scared that it is hurting our sex life and putting our marriage at risk. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. Harsh, but true. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. The reality is they are not kings nor queens. I have the same exact issue with my husband constantly slamming his opinions in my face, telling me how things should be done, basically voicing what he wants and how he wants, yet as soon as I voice my thoughts, if inconsistent with his, he immediately shuts me up however he can, speaking over me, etc. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. What i do is speak to the child in him at that point. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. (1)He slammed my iPhone on to the ground (because I refused to give him my car keys) he was not sorry, he blamed meI made him do it. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. I really dont know how much more I can take of this bad behavior. Narcissists love compliments and having people talk about them because it means they got noticed. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. This time I was able to enjoy myself, keep busy and not think too much about why, I finally understand it isnt me, I understand his narcissism, after immersing myself for past 10 years, it still hurts though, I hope someday, the hurt will go away. There are men out there who also face these issues and not all of them are strait. Narcissists thrive on conflict. If I apply your suggestions I am going to like myself and him better. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. As Kym and others have said living with someone with NPD is at best very difficult and at worst totally impossible. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. As much as he wanted it to look so, he hated the reality of being accountable for anything especially his own word. I am serious..and I would love to hear your take. I actually learned this thru therapy I receive from my Psychiatrist and psychologist. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! People do change but sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. Hes got issues with alcohol which I believe can be closely tied with narcissism. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc. There is no going forward in the relationship as he is unable to discuss any situation or take responsibilty for his behave. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. I appreciate your concern but I can put you at easy because one thing that you are not aware of is that I am not and never have been afraid of him physically. They are give and give. He was threatening suicide and has a history of using violence against me. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. How to Know If a Narcissist is Finished with You: 9 Sure Signs. I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. 3 Set boundaries to protect yourself. Maintain Boundaries. That money was for her college fund. After over 9 years it has got worse. I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. That took a lot of courage and self-respect. Thanks for all you do Kim! Hi Michelle, Please contact the help desk on our site (go to http://www.narcissismcured.com and look for a link) or respond to the one of my emails if you are on my list and someone will help you get the books you need. As to the books, you may have missed it but I wrote that I have all the books and have been working the workbook and will continue to do so. Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is. Reassuring him that I am not ending the relationship. I have come to understand that there are some people that unless sacrafice is made, they may never know what true good in life they can have. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. He manages to spin evey bad situation into someone else being at fault. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. Ive been involved with a total narcissist. This had 2 effects. So, in a way, it is a choice. Have you approached him with these things as you have them stated here in the past? I want out. Thank you Ann and Marie. She did not present any evidence but seems to have scared the wits out of my male bosses as she implied shed make a sexual harassment claim against them if they did nt follow suit. So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. Any hope of that happening? Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. Did your partner admit to the lies you wrote about during the early days of your relationship, and then turn into the man who damaged your car and didnt mention it until after you found out? It is a relief to find this page. I will not protect him from repercussions of hurtful, moral wrongs, and what society accepts as odd behavior. Also as far as a male role model he has blamed all the men at our church for our problems and we are now going to a different church whice actually has much older and stronger marriages, but will this work with someone he doesnt know very well to hold him accountable? You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first.